Today is my fifth day in a row sitting at home. I have spent the last week (almost) sitting on my couch trying to feel better. I came home last friday and was knocked out, literally, by a searing sore throat and fever. Yuck. I hate being sick. Especially when I feel like I have so much to do.
Sitting in my living room with a hot cup of earl grey tea with honey and the constant buzz og HGTV and the food network in the background is nice. Don't get me wrong. But, it is only nice for so long.
The last few weeks have consisted of a constant state of busy. Between school, being a wife, trying to be a student, and still maintaining everything else in between it has been tough. So as much I feel I have to get back into things after being sick for a few days... maybe I should chalk it all up to my body telling me that I need to S...T...O...P and take a break. So I guess in an effort to say thanks I should say "thanks body for making me take these last few days to recoup and reflect on the past few weeks and the next one's that are coming up."
Holiday time is coming fast and I know before I can take another sip of my tea it will already be hanukkah, christmas and then new years. All good things. But in an effort to get things to slow down I am trying to think about where I want to be next year and the goals that I have in mind for the future. Heavy stuff.
Oh well. I guess that's a day in the life of me :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The past couple weeks
It's been a while since my last post. Almost, a month in fact. I have had so much to write, so much to say, but I haven't been able to put the words in the right order to display them on this blog. But, here I am now ready to say some of the words I have been thinking for the past month or so - whether it makes sense or not.
Sometimes I don't stop. I just keep going pushing through things as if that will help me get through the tough days, but it dosen't. In fact, I think it makes it worse. The grass is in fact not always greener on the other side and lately I have had days where I have wanted to go away from everything and just pretend that I was starting over, wiping the slate clean and beginning that new path that I thought I wanted, somewhere else.
But I realize now that I feel this way because I never stopped along the way, I never thought it through enough and now that I am here I have to make some changes. In my outlook, my thought process, my goals, my life in general. No one ever said that this would be easy, that life... would be easy. But I continue pushing through and doing what I think I am supposed to be doing. I need to trust in myself, do what makes me happy and take a leap without anyone else standing in my way. That is easier said than done.
I want answers, solutions, the final word, the bottom line... I want to look into the future and know that what I am doing is the right thing. But how can I know that? How can I look into the crystal ball and know that this door is the right one to open. I can't. And that is so hard for me. I don't know if it is hard because I am scared of change or if I am just so lazy that I do not want to go through the steps of doing something and then not have it come to fruition.
I have to breath, to step back, and look at what I have and be thankful for it no matter what else may be at the present time.
No one ever said this would be easy...
Sometimes I don't stop. I just keep going pushing through things as if that will help me get through the tough days, but it dosen't. In fact, I think it makes it worse. The grass is in fact not always greener on the other side and lately I have had days where I have wanted to go away from everything and just pretend that I was starting over, wiping the slate clean and beginning that new path that I thought I wanted, somewhere else.
But I realize now that I feel this way because I never stopped along the way, I never thought it through enough and now that I am here I have to make some changes. In my outlook, my thought process, my goals, my life in general. No one ever said that this would be easy, that life... would be easy. But I continue pushing through and doing what I think I am supposed to be doing. I need to trust in myself, do what makes me happy and take a leap without anyone else standing in my way. That is easier said than done.
I want answers, solutions, the final word, the bottom line... I want to look into the future and know that what I am doing is the right thing. But how can I know that? How can I look into the crystal ball and know that this door is the right one to open. I can't. And that is so hard for me. I don't know if it is hard because I am scared of change or if I am just so lazy that I do not want to go through the steps of doing something and then not have it come to fruition.
I have to breath, to step back, and look at what I have and be thankful for it no matter what else may be at the present time.
No one ever said this would be easy...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Now and Then
I wanted to get on the freeway today and drive in the fast lane. Pull over to the left and just keep on going...
Do you ever want to do that? What do you think that means? Today was just one of those kind of days. Where what I was doing today didn't fully satisfy me or make me happy, I just did it to get through it because I knew I had to do it. Kind of weird.
Today was my second day of school and it was fine. I have been more tired in the past few days than I have been in a while. I think it is a combination of stress and the heat. The fires and the gross weather have really put a damper on trying to go through your day let alone, just trying to function normal. Every day this week I have gotten a headache and been nauseated at some point.... who knows?
That is it for now. Nothing else too exciting. But, my birthday is Friday!
Do you ever want to do that? What do you think that means? Today was just one of those kind of days. Where what I was doing today didn't fully satisfy me or make me happy, I just did it to get through it because I knew I had to do it. Kind of weird.
Today was my second day of school and it was fine. I have been more tired in the past few days than I have been in a while. I think it is a combination of stress and the heat. The fires and the gross weather have really put a damper on trying to go through your day let alone, just trying to function normal. Every day this week I have gotten a headache and been nauseated at some point.... who knows?
That is it for now. Nothing else too exciting. But, my birthday is Friday!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
So, this is what life is like in the Big City - or should I say at home in Ventura County...
Today is my first day with no work... and I have to say with as much enthusiasm as I have had for this day, I woke up with less than expected. Monday was my day off from work typically, as my office was closed. So, yesterday didn't really count. But I got up today and did the things I told myself I needed to do before I went to bed. I have not finished them all yet, but I got a pretty good early head start.
I think I realized that I have to create a schedule. With everyday things that must get done around the house, for me and for school/work. I don't start school until August 31st so I have the next two weeks to organize and get things together before they get really busy.
I am actually going to see Legally Blonde Tonight at a theater in the city so I am excited. I guess my day at this point is really revolving around that...
Happy Tuesday!
I think I realized that I have to create a schedule. With everyday things that must get done around the house, for me and for school/work. I don't start school until August 31st so I have the next two weeks to organize and get things together before they get really busy.
I am actually going to see Legally Blonde Tonight at a theater in the city so I am excited. I guess my day at this point is really revolving around that...
Happy Tuesday!
Monday, August 10, 2009
New Beginnings- My Desk
This is the start of some new things. I have to admit, other than leaving my co-workers at my job, I was sad about leaving my desk... yes, I know that is kind of weird. But I love to be organized and although I had that organized vibe at my office, at home was another story...
I have wanted a new desk for sometime but this weekend we actually got one. It works for now and I am quite excited about it. I have spent the good portion of my day setting it up. I will be making a homegoods run quite shortly to get a nice desk lamp and a few accessories. Only four more days until this new desk because my main desk. I will no longer have that work one to fulfill my organization trip, instead I have this one to fill with my own good things!
Friday, August 7, 2009
It's Friday - But not the 14th
It is getting harder and harder to go out with dignity. As I sit trying to get through the load of work that has been dumped on me I cannot help but think to myself, “Where has all is this work been the past two years?” “And, why now, of all times, when I just want to be done already, is she purposely dumping all of this SHIT – yes shit, on me?"
The answer is because she is an unappreciative, undeserving human being. I have graced her with my goodness these past couple of years and she has failed to see it. That is truly no fault - but her own.
As I was warned by a couple of my co-workers, some of who have been working here for years and who have seen many employees come and go and an x- co worker of mine who recently shut the door on his time at S&R- “She will not make it easy for you.” I was told. It will be a living hell is basically what that translates too.
It is calm right now- my first calm since my notice, but I cannot help but feel that this is indeed the calm before the next storm, or should I say fire that I end up putting out for her. Ach! I am so disgusted.
So, back to that dignity thing. At this moment I am biting my tongue hard and holding back a wave of mixed emotions from flowing out at her. Each moment thinking to myself that this will all soon be over and that the wave of SHIT, yes shit, that I have taken on for the past two weeks will be completely gone when I walk out of the door next Friday.
Until then… happy Friday. I can tell you, next week will be a much happier Friday then this one. Up and on.
The answer is because she is an unappreciative, undeserving human being. I have graced her with my goodness these past couple of years and she has failed to see it. That is truly no fault - but her own.
As I was warned by a couple of my co-workers, some of who have been working here for years and who have seen many employees come and go and an x- co worker of mine who recently shut the door on his time at S&R- “She will not make it easy for you.” I was told. It will be a living hell is basically what that translates too.
It is calm right now- my first calm since my notice, but I cannot help but feel that this is indeed the calm before the next storm, or should I say fire that I end up putting out for her. Ach! I am so disgusted.
So, back to that dignity thing. At this moment I am biting my tongue hard and holding back a wave of mixed emotions from flowing out at her. Each moment thinking to myself that this will all soon be over and that the wave of SHIT, yes shit, that I have taken on for the past two weeks will be completely gone when I walk out of the door next Friday.
Until then… happy Friday. I can tell you, next week will be a much happier Friday then this one. Up and on.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Flood Gates Have Opened
Ever since I gave notice at work… My mind. Cannot. Stop. Racing. With ideas and thoughts and instances and then more ideas and thoughts and things. It is crazy, I mean crazy. But it’s almost as if the cork has been stuck in my bottle of wine for a long time. And I just now figured out how to slowly pull it out – in turn releasing aroma and aerating this beautiful red wine… to breath and now come to its full potential. That wine, yah, the wine in that bottle, it’s my life. Now, granted I know a few things about wine, specifically red wine. I get that it ages in the bottle and gets even better. So realistically, if I was using this analogy according to that fact, I should stay in the bottle because my life as I knew it would of gotten better as I got older…. But for purposes of this particular comparison the red wine does age in the bottle but needs to come out for one to fully experience it and to be enjoyed. By quitting my job I have allowed myself to realize my potential. That there is something to be said for just sitting and waiting for something to happen vs. going out and making it happen. And in this case that is what I am doing, making it happen. So, with that in mind I think, that is why my head is racing - with all of these things. Ideas for random businesses, the possibilities of going back to school, my future and everything that awaits me…. It’s kind of cool.
Not that you all want to know my plan… wink, wink, J but here it is. My goal is to go back to school for Marriage and Family Therapy. I have thought about this for a long time. I have considered options, almost gone back to school to become an English teacher, worked in the event planning field and once again have pondered the idea of becoming and MFT. So, what has been stopping me? I have been scared – to not have a job in this hard economic time and to think about going back to school has been weird after being out for three years, and to take on a new challenge. But I am looking so forward to it now- I just can’t help but feeling that this is the right thing to do and the right direction to travel in.
I feel weird putting this out there for all of you readers (all 7 of you) to know, but it’s good for me to say it out loud, to hold myself to something and to commit. I have had such a hard time in many avenues in life, committing. Granted, I think I have been a wonderful wife, a good friend, a great daughter and a diligent employee – I have never taken a step like this before. To commit to myself and to my future and to my goals. It feels really good I must say.
For all of you that are reading this do something that you have been waiting to do. Stop making excuses and go for it. Because we only have now – after all, what are you waiting for….?
By the way I have been following this blog for sometime now. I read David’s most recent post today - http://www.jumpdavidjump.typepad.com/, and knew that I had to put this link on my page. Make sure to go back a few posts to understand what is happening. Actually come to think about it, you will probably get it from just reading the most recent post entitled “The Eyes Never Lie”.
Happy Thursday!
Not that you all want to know my plan… wink, wink, J but here it is. My goal is to go back to school for Marriage and Family Therapy. I have thought about this for a long time. I have considered options, almost gone back to school to become an English teacher, worked in the event planning field and once again have pondered the idea of becoming and MFT. So, what has been stopping me? I have been scared – to not have a job in this hard economic time and to think about going back to school has been weird after being out for three years, and to take on a new challenge. But I am looking so forward to it now- I just can’t help but feeling that this is the right thing to do and the right direction to travel in.
I feel weird putting this out there for all of you readers (all 7 of you) to know, but it’s good for me to say it out loud, to hold myself to something and to commit. I have had such a hard time in many avenues in life, committing. Granted, I think I have been a wonderful wife, a good friend, a great daughter and a diligent employee – I have never taken a step like this before. To commit to myself and to my future and to my goals. It feels really good I must say.
For all of you that are reading this do something that you have been waiting to do. Stop making excuses and go for it. Because we only have now – after all, what are you waiting for….?
By the way I have been following this blog for sometime now. I read David’s most recent post today - http://www.jumpdavidjump.typepad.com/, and knew that I had to put this link on my page. Make sure to go back a few posts to understand what is happening. Actually come to think about it, you will probably get it from just reading the most recent post entitled “The Eyes Never Lie”.
Happy Thursday!
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