The past couple weeks

It's been a while since my last post. Almost, a month in fact. I have had so much to write, so much to say, but I haven't been able to put the words in the right order to display them on this blog. But, here I am now ready to say some of the words I have been thinking for the past month or so - whether it makes sense or not.

Sometimes I don't stop. I just keep going pushing through things as if that will help me get through the tough days, but it dosen't. In fact, I think it makes it worse. The grass is in fact not always greener on the other side and lately I have had days where I have wanted to go away from everything and just pretend that I was starting over, wiping the slate clean and beginning that new path that I thought I wanted, somewhere else.

But I realize now that I feel this way because I never stopped along the way, I never thought it through enough and now that I am here I have to make some changes. In my outlook, my thought process, my goals, my life in general. No one ever said that this would be easy, that life... would be easy. But I continue pushing through and doing what I think I am supposed to be doing. I need to trust in myself, do what makes me happy and take a leap without anyone else standing in my way. That is easier said than done.

I want answers, solutions, the final word, the bottom line... I want to look into the future and know that what I am doing is the right thing. But how can I know that? How can I look into the crystal ball and know that this door is the right one to open. I can't. And that is so hard for me. I don't know if it is hard because I am scared of change or if I am just so lazy that I do not want to go through the steps of doing something and then not have it come to fruition.

I have to breath, to step back, and look at what I have and be thankful for it no matter what else may be at the present time.

No one ever said this would be easy...